I usually write the “this is how life was, God found me, all better” posts ((which are true and real…at least to me)). Today, I am bringing you to the “other” side. The side of faith that Christians do not like to talk about. I am talking about the things that scar your very soul. I have faced quite a few of those myself and some days, it is a battle to keep those “inner demons” under wraps. Many times, I call my Mommy and I just cry out to her “why?” She always makes me feel better, no matter the situation. Even deeper than that, is the tears I fight to hide from my boys because even though I know I am an alright Mom ((although Eli called me his favorite, best Mommy today so…brownie points))! I still feel like such a failure most days and nights I go to bed wondering if I paid enough attention, did I shoo away when I should have said stay? I battle the “other me” in my head that says I am not good enough and that I need to just hide away from the world. I suffer from chronic knee pain and it just seems to be getting worse by the month. My PTSD likes to rear her ugly head at the worst moments, and I can scarcely catch my breath. Some days, I lay in bed because I am too “tired” to get up. Yes, I have depression ((yippee skippee)). When dealing with trauma, I do not handle it well at all. I punch walls, windows, car roofs, whatever is handy, when I get angry enough. It goes deeper my friends. Just when I am at my breaking point, is when I yell…at God. You do what? Yes, I yell at God and I scream “now what? What do we do? How do we fix this? What are YOU going to do?!” Then I kind of slip into this little “funk” where I just do not care. Eventually God finds me, and hauls me up into His arms and cradles me and shows me ((like a proud Papa showing His daughter something amazingly wonderful)) just how and when and who He is using to keep me encouraged and strong and faithful. After I finish my “tantrum” God sets me on my feet and like an unsteady toddler, I am off once again trying to keep the faith and keep my eyes on Jesus and my Heavenly home, then I stumble over that rock, or fall into this hole, and the cycle starts again.
I share this with you because yes I am woman of faith, a daughter of the King, and I struggle, I have questions, I doubt…and that is definitely okay because as Thomas said “I believe…help my unbelief”. ♥