Unashamed and Unapologetic

I usually write the “this is how life was, God found me, all better” posts ((which are true and real…at least to me)).  Today, I am bringing you to the “other” side.  The side of faith that Christians do not like to talk about.  I am talking about the things that scar your very soul.  I have faced quite a few of those myself and some days, it is a battle to keep those “inner demons” under wraps.  Many times, I call my Mommy and I just cry out to her “why?”  She always makes me feel better, no matter the situation.  Even deeper than that, is the tears I fight to hide from my boys because even though I know I am an alright Mom ((although Eli called me his favorite, best Mommy today so…brownie points))! I still feel like such a failure most days and nights I go to bed wondering if I paid enough attention, did I shoo away when I should have said stay?  I battle the “other me” in my head that says I am not good enough and that I need to just hide away from the world.  I suffer from chronic knee pain and it just seems to be getting worse by the month.  My PTSD likes to rear her ugly head at the worst moments, and I can scarcely catch my breath. Some days, I lay in bed because I am too “tired” to get up.  Yes, I have depression ((yippee skippee)).  When dealing with trauma, I do not handle it well at all.  I punch walls, windows, car roofs, whatever is handy, when I get angry enough.  It goes deeper my friends.  Just when I am at my breaking point, is when I yell…at God. You do what? Yes, I yell at God and I scream “now what? What do we do? How do we fix this? What are YOU going to do?!” Then I kind of slip into this little “funk” where I just do not care.  Eventually God finds me, and hauls me up into His arms and cradles me and shows me ((like a proud Papa showing His daughter something amazingly wonderful)) just how and when and who He is using to keep me encouraged and strong and faithful.  After I finish my “tantrum” God sets me on my feet and like an unsteady toddler, I am off once again trying to keep the faith and keep my eyes on Jesus and my Heavenly home, then I stumble over that rock, or fall into this hole, and the cycle starts again.

I share this with you because yes I am woman of faith, a daughter of the King, and I struggle, I have questions, I doubt…and that is definitely okay because as Thomas said “I believe…help my unbelief”. ♥

Published by Amanda-Lyn

I reside in the heart of New England with my 2 sons and my husband. My eldest son visits us frequently. When not in the office, I love to sing and to write and more than anything I love God and I follow Him truly truly ♥

2 thoughts on “Unashamed and Unapologetic

  1. Blessings Ms. Kathy ♥ what God is doing is amazing and He is flowing through me more than ever before…He is breaking me out of the “shell” I’ve had around me my whole life…and oh what joyous beautiful pain ♥

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Amanda-Lyn, big hugs. It is very courageous of you to share this truth. Our undersides can be so challenging. Many of us have huge unhealed traumas and PTSD and other issues. I am glad that you are able to speak this and perhaps even continue to feel into the pain of it all. I believe it is so important to try and view the pain from the level of God’s love. To keep surrounding the frustration and confusion with love. And that can be so hard. You are just another messed up/divine human like we all are. You are not alone. And you have your faith which is everything! Thank goodness we can find God again after our tantrums. I think He wants us to find Him even in our tantrums until He can transform us unto wholeness. Blessings, my dear.

    Liked by 1 person

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